Steve, yes, just Steve

Wed, 05 Oct 2005 11:06:25 GMT

I've been trying to get back into the habbit of updating this thing, I've still been active... I check out all my friend's pages and everything (even though I don't always comment), But I guess I should get back into venting my thoughts on here for the hell of it...
Alot has happened, I've got a place with Terrill now, and Sheila is living with us too. It's alot better than living at Ian's... and I'm actually saving money despite the fact that i pay more bills now, I think it's the whole food thing... I can actually keep food here whereas I couldn't at Ian's. It would get eatten by everybody but me... so I'm no longer eatting fast food all the time... which is also nice... it's nice to come home and have all these luxureis that most people take for granted lol... I guess I've lived in some pretty shity situations... but I don't mind... I like where I've been for the most part... I like that I keep a box of M.R.E.s just in case... I feel like I have one up on everybody else I guess... If some other country were to successfully invade ours, I would be ready... I'm about a mile from Buck's Gun Rack lol... I'll know what to do... either way, before I get too much off on a rant...
Work has been... well.... work... If Eric gets trained to be an operator then I'll take his spot as Bulk Mail Manager... well.. at least the second Bulk Mail Manager.. there is always Gwen.. but Gwen does nothing because she's been there for 26 years and is now just lazy and slow... Eric and I do everything right now anyway.. so anyway... I guess I'm gonna keep this one short with the intention of updating again within the next couple days... thats about it for now, i need to get ready for work.

Tue, 16 Aug 2005 21:17:19 GMT

Maybe I've been meaning to write in this thing more often, maybe not.. either way, it's my birthday... need i go into the reasons why i hate this day? not really.. i'll just let it go, and wash it away with this gallon of rum i just bought.

Wed, 29 Jun 2005 17:08:54 GMT

okay.. i havn't had much use for this thing in a while... i've been all about myspace lately...

http://www.myspace.com/ignis_fatuus

and uhhh.. stuff..

Tue, 24 May 2005 06:23:39 GMT

well i've got nothing else to do at 2a.m. so here I am.
I hurt my back on saturday, spent all day sunday debating on weither or not to go to the hospital, didn't. I was feeling okay monday morning
monday I worked a 12 hour shift, fucked my back up again... took a painkiller, numbed my back, and I fell asleep.
now it's 2a.m. my back is fucking killing me, i can't sleep anymore, and i've gotta be at work by 6.
i'm fucked.
so basically what i think will happen is i'm going to go in, hurt my back even more, then go to the hospital... then of course I miss work... it's gonna suck.
i'm still high from the pill i took... but basically it's just my mind thats effected, having trouble keeping clear thoughts... but my back is still killing me... i fucking hate pills... this is utter bullshit. I feel like shit cause I took it, and it's not even doing a damn bit of good. now if i was all stoned, and had no back pain, i'd be happy... but thats not the case.
yeah, okay... even fucked up like this I still can't stand to update this thing... and I have nothing else to do.

Wed, 04 May 2005 01:02:48 GMT

I've been meaning to call you, honestly i have, but i've been trying to call you when i'm not drunk...

on top of that, sometimes i just don't know what to say. I've been so depressed lately, words can't explain. I'm lost

Dead as dead can be, the doctor tells me

Fri, 25 Mar 2005 12:56:35 GMT

so it's been a while... It's always been a while isn't it?

As usual I've been working my ass off. Not much change there, Ian has joined the Army and is gone now.. So now maybe I'll be online more.... when I'm not dead tired that is, I need to catch up on my emails... a whole 3 people lol.... I'm just lazy... I keep meaning to write, but whatever... for some reason this morning I decided to write in this thing rather than email... I don't have much to say to anyone, and I'm not sure why.

I went to go get my Gonzo tattoo last night in honor of the late, great Doctor Thompson... but they wanted $80-$100 for it, and I just don't think It's worth it... There is like no detail to it at all... It's so simple... so I'm going to wait and go with Eric and a couple of his friends, Tropical Tattoo is known for giving group discounts.... but my plan was to get my other one then, because I know it's going to cost more... who knows, maybe i'll get both of them in one night....

So, as I told Cassandra last night; The corperations have somehow found a way to hypnotise me into liking something that a year ago I would have spit on... It's like they have come up with some sort of signal that interacts with my brain in order to conform, or shape me into what they want... I'm changing again... my basis for this is that I absolutely love "Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson... I can't get that song out of my head, I listen to the top 40 station at work all day just to hear it, then I come home and watch the video, as a matter of fact, I might watch the video again after I finish with this... I've downloaded the ringtone for my phone... it's always in my head... I'm fucking trapped and there's no way out, those Swine have got me hooked... 5FF is getting back together, we're going to cover it... I've already learned how to play it... no escape.

Going to try and quit smoking again... once my day off comes that is, that first day can't happen while I'm at work.. it just doesn't happen.. so once my day off comes, i'll be giving it another shot.... i'm getting to that point where I have to.. I'm coughing shit up all the time now, my breathing is horrible, can't take deep breaths... I wake myself up in the middle of the night with my weezing, and I crashed on Richard's couch a few nights ago and he said the sound of my breathing was just utterly disturbing and loud... so I guess it's time to quit... been meaning to make a doctors appointment in order to get a chest x-ray... but I'll probably keep forgetting, i have other things to do... like now, i need to watch the Kelly Clarkson video and go to work.

Thu, 03 Feb 2005 04:26:02 GMT

well... lets see.. life seems to actually be looking good right now... i know i havn't updated in a while, it's because i've been depressed and would just asume not bitch about everything all the time... so here's the good stuff
last week i finnaly bought that honda i've been looking at... so i've got that, i just need to tag and insure it... and probably put an altinator in it... thats about it...
then lets see.. way back in December I tried to get a cell phone through cingular wireless... i signed up online... about a week later i still haddn't heard anything from them.. so i called them up, and the guy over the phone told me that i needed a $500 deposit... needless to say i said "fuck that" because there's no way I'd put that much of a deposit on a phone even if i did have the money.. i mean.. that phone had better give pretty fucking good blowjobs if i'm putting a $500 deposit on it..
either way, 3 days ago, i check the mail, and I've got a bill from cingular, for two months of service.. i called them up.. and after checking around the woman said that whomever i talked to the last time i called in Dec only cancled them actually sending me the phone and that I did not in fact need a deposit of any kind.. so i said "well shit, sence i don't need a deposit, sign me up"... so she did, and now i have a cool phone for the next two years, and i've already downloaded 3 MP3 ringtones (not those shitty polyphonic ones)... it's odd how getting a cellphone and a 20 year old car can make me feel this good about life right now... but they are...

and fuck LJcuts it's so rare that i post, i don't bother using them... it's almost a special event when i do post.

other than that, i've still got a million bad things going through my head, but i'm ignoring them for the moment.

Mon, 31 Jan 2005 15:49:01 GMT

well now... my internet has been going on and off for the past couple days, so i havn't been around... basically.. here's the rundown... I've finnaly did it, i had a very strange moment and I've writen a poem so personal that It'll probably be a long while before I let anybody read it... which also means i'm not going to post it... and thats it for that
got my car... Ian and I spent yesterday cleaning it out.. i sprayed about half a can of shit in there to work on the smell lol... either way, now i'm broke... and i've still gotta put an altinator in it.... then of course inssurence and tag... air up the tires... oh yeah.. and fix the passanger front window as the motor is gone on it... i wanted to put it up yesterday sence i'm afraid of it raining, so i had to take apart the door and jam the fucker closed lol.. need a paint job too... but i'm not known for my pretty cars to begin with.. anyway.. thats about it... need to start my day.

Sat, 29 Jan 2005 07:34:16 GMT

you people forget, i'm a person too... and I might just say some real shit from time to time

Sat, 22 Jan 2005 12:41:28 GMT

so yeah.. Rick, Lori and the kids are down... they got in last night... I havn't seen them yet, i worked last night, got off at 2330 and now i'm on my way to work again in a few mins, got about 5 hours of sleep... but the coffee is doing it's job this morning... i hope i get off at noon thirty, but i doubt it... either way, they'll probably still be at the funeral, so i'll probably end up staying until 1800 or 1900... and hopefully see them tonight.. saddly i'm more interested in seeing Lori and her kids than I am my own brother lol... sad huh? i love those kids... but ya know what else? Lori has been more of a sister to me in the short time i've known her than Rick has been a brother to me in the last 20 years... you see, Lori actually listens to me when I talk, and is interested... Rick just thinks i'm an alcoholic wasting my life.... which maybe true... but you don't lable someone that... thats just.. wrong... anyway... gotta jet... need to get there early so i can choose what i'm feeding (which will be mains so that i'm not stuck feeding 4 hoppers, that shit sucks..... and when you feed mains, thats all you feed sence they go so fast). and uhh.... thats all folks.

Fri, 21 Jan 2005 05:19:38 GMT

This is being done out of bordom and for people on here who don't really know "me". and are interested....

1. What is your name? Stephen C. Werber

2. What color underwear are you wearing now?
who says i'm wearing any.....

3. What are you listening to right now?
The sound of Ian play StarWarsGalaxies

4. What are the last 2 digits of your phone number?
03

5. What was the last thing you did?
lite a cigarette

6. If you were a crayon what color would you be?
are we talking the box of 25 or the box of 60?

7. How is the weather right now? chilly (if I say "cold" a certain someone in PA will murder me in my sleep.

8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
MAO oddly enough.. I called him tonight to tell him about a friend's band playing at a bar tomorrow night.

9. The first thing you notice about the opposite/same sex? tits... i can't lie.

10. Favorite Food?
whats for dinner honey?

11. Favorite Drink?
Tea

12. Favorite Alcoholic drink?
ya know, there is one man who is in me at least 4 times a week... that'd be the Captain.... he sails my ship.

13. Favorite place to shop?
it depends... do they have my favorite bra?

Hair Color?
Dark brown

15. Eye Color?
brown

16. Do you wear contacts?
negative

17. Top or Bottom? how about verticly on my heels and... oh wait... is that really the question?

18. Favorite Month?
any that arent cold

19. Favorite Fast Food?
Toxic Hell

20. Last Movie you Watched?
Interveiw with a Vampire

21. Favorite Day of the Year?
my birthday, because then i get the laugh when nobody knows it's my birthday, and i am able to escape. (I don't like it when people know my birthday)

22. Are you too shy to ask someone out?
well.. I ask Amber Bock out all the time.... and then I... nevermind..... umm.. I guess I am sometimes.

23. Summer or Winter?
summer

24. Hugs or Kisses?
depends on the person

25. Chocolate or vanilla?
definately chocolate. it's a heroin thing.

26. Do you want your friends to respond back?
sure, why not

27. Who is most likely to respond?
Cassandra
28: Who is least likely to respond?
Nathan

30. What books are you reading?
Tom Robbins's Feirce Invalids Home From Hot Climates, I've had it for months and i just can't seem to finish it

31. What's on your mouse pad?
I've been using Feirce Invalids Home From Hot Climates as a mouse pad (yes i'm serious) lol

32. Favorite Board Game?
I hear there's a StarWars trivial pursuit out.. i need to get that.

33. What did you do last night?
drank, and ummm... chatted online

35. Who inspires you?
Jimmy Page inspires me to get better at guitar..... other than that, I don't have a whole lot of inspiration

36. Butter, Plain, or salted popcorn?
butter

38. Favorite Flower?
never really thought about it

39. What do you say when you wake up in the A.M?
when someone wakes me up, it's generally something along the lines of Revelation 6:8. (Ya know.. the Bible)

40. Do you still talk to your best friend(s) from middle school?
I don't remember having many.. I guess Sheila was one of my best friend's in middle school... so yes

41. What's on your desk?
On what "desk" I have, there are 8 empty Amber Bock bottles, 1 regular Michealobe bottle, an empty coffee cup, two empty packs of Camel Turkish Gold, an empty bottle of O.E. 2 random CDs, a letter from my bank, and my schedual for the week.

43. Play or Opera?
play

44. Have you ever fired a gun? I own one right now.... I've fired many guns, many times... i like guns.. but prefer knives or swords..... kind of hard to conceal a fucking samarai sword though.

45. Do you like to travel by plane?
I'd rather drive most of the time.. but i do like planes

46. Right-handed or Left-handed?
Right

47. Smooth or Chunky Peanut Butter?
when i'm forced to eat it.. chunky

48. How many pillows do you sleep with?
about 5. and my panda

49. City and State you were born in?
saddly, Daytona Beach, Fl

50. Ever hitchhiked? naw... i could never get people to stop, no matter how many times i flashed them.

51. What color is most reflective of you? not sure really... i mean... if we were going by moods it would be different all the time.. if we were going by personality I guess i'd have to say blue maybe

52. What song are you playing now, or wish you were playing? Pixies - Gigantic

53. Has the death of a celebrity ever made you cry? Aparently I freaked out and had some sort of fit when I learned about Kurt Cobain's death, but i don't remember it... which is odd because I remember alot of things I probably shouldn't.

54. Do you want a baby? sure... someday... when i find the right person, or change my mind about a few things.

55. What does your mom do for a living? blah

56. What does your dad do for a living? no clue.. i think he works for Amtrack

57. whats your pet's name? don't have one... I had a mouse named Milenko, and a dog named Cali, but they're gone now.

58. What color are your bedsheets? I have a throw blanket over this couch thing I sleep on, it's green.

59. What was the last concert you attended? oh shit... .um..... Shoney Lamar (AKA) Justin Shira... although thats not really a concert.... Tool maybe?

60. Who was with you? if it was Tool then it was Sheila, if we're counting Justin, it was Ian, Anthony, Brandon.. a bunch of other people...

61. What do you dislike most at this moment? lots of things... too many to try and list..

62. What food are you craving right now? anything.. fucking hungry.. i might have to settle for Ramen noodles

63.Did you dream last night? yes, although I don't like talking about most of my dreams.

64.What was the last tv show you watched? Scrubs

65.What is your fave piece of jewelry? sometimes I wear sheila's weding ring around my neck on a chain, but i havn't been lately because i've been scared to death of losing it.

66.What is to the left of you? A space heater, my smokes, and my cellphone.

67.What was the last thing you ate? frenchfries

68. Who is your best friend of the opposite sex? Cassandra and Jenny

69.Write a song lyric that's in your head? " I didn't mean to fuck you but i'm pretty when I lie."

70. What song is that from? "Pretty When You Cry" by VAST

71.Who last imed you? Cassandra

72.Where is your signifigant other right now? KY

73.Do you have a crush? yes

74. What is his/her name? Nicole

75. What shampoo do you use? something cheep

76. When was the last time you cut your hair? like four weeks ago

77. Are you on any meds? negative... there's nothing wrong with me HAHAHAH

78.Do you have a mental disease? Not that i wouldn't try to hide.

79. What shirt are you wearing? my shirt that says "I am in a promising local band."

80.What time is it? 2346

81.What color is your razor? black and grey

82.What is your fave frozen treat? no idea..

83. Are you sexy? yeah baby yeah!!! actually I have no clue... I've been told that I am... but bitches lie sometimes.

84. Are you thirsty? it's taking me too long to think of the answer to this question.

85. Can you imagine yourself ever getting married? married? I'm divorced.... but I might one day want to get married again.

Tue, 18 Jan 2005 14:51:44 GMT

well my grandmother died last night... she's been on the way out for a little while now... my mom is real sad, aparently my brother Rick is gonna try to come down here... and he asked mom if she'd call out to the jail and see if they'd release Bill into her custady for the day.. very doubtfull... either way... I'm not sad, she was a very hatefull woman and I just can't be sad over her death.. i felt no conection to her.... i do feel sad for my mom, because no matter how you look at it, this woman was my mother's mother.. and you're always gonna be sad if your mother dies, no matter how much of a hatefull bitch she is.... but i still can't really offer my mother any comfort... ya know.. cause I never liked her... and I can't have feelings for someone that was so full of hate, family or not.. hell i cried on the spot when both of Fred's parents died, and they werent even blood... but not for this woman... not going to shed a single tear... is that wrong of me? ehh.. i don't think so.... i've got better things to do and think about other than that woman... much better things to do with my time...

Well... off to play starwars.

Fri, 14 Jan 2005 20:27:48 GMT

If i could somehow explain everything thats running through my head right now, i'd be God because of my ability to do so.

Wed, 12 Jan 2005 03:39:06 GMT

doesn't it just kill you when you're not able to help the ones you love?

or what about when you don't even know what to do with yourself because your feelings are pulling you everywhich way so you don't even know what the fuck you're doing....

I need a vacation from everything.

Mon, 10 Jan 2005 15:26:59 GMT

so after discussing it in length with one of my bosses and a stoner co-worker... we've come to this conclusion... Micheal Keaton was a great Batman, but a crappy Bruce Wayne, Val Kilmer was a great Bruce Wayne, but a horrible Batman... George Cloony played himself for both characters.... How is Christian Bail going to work out? He'll be a good Batman... we didn't decide on weither or not he'll be a good Bruce Wayne, But I am excited to see the new Batman movie... and glad as fuck that Joel Schumacker isn't directing it...
Also glad that Tim Burton isn't going to be directing the new Superman movie that they're making... I love Tim Burton movies.. but Superman isn't really Tim's thing...
yes... we actually had a serious debate over this... and because of it, we started the run last night 10 mins late
last night was horrible.. after doing our run me and one other guy had to go catch press... the press kept breaking down, our machines kept breaking down... it was fucking horrible.. it made a 2 hour job into a 5 hour job, the press actually had to stop running the shit we were doing because they needed to run todays paper... horrible... but at least my boss gave me a ride home.... I figured I was going to have to walk being I'm sure Jenny was in bed and I wasn't going to dare and wake Todd up...
Other than that, I came home and IMed Cassandra who was away at the time, somebody was at her computer and started fucking with me... i knew they were full of shit... which is why i eventually just ignored whoever it was... but then it got my mind racing into fucked up thoughts that I didn't like and I couldn't sleep... I think the stress from work and everything else contributed... I hate it when my mind does that shit to me.... it's like sometimes my mind just trys to scare the shit out of me... arg... anyway... time to find something to do.

Sun, 09 Jan 2005 14:38:22 GMT

don't have to be into work until 4 today... until then I have no clue what i'm going to do... probably my usual shit..

People Who read my journal regularly = 2
1 Asatrue
1 Morman

People who read my journal regularly after this post = probably 0

I'm hesitant to post what I really came here to post, But I'm going to go ahead and do it.. it starts with the story of the tattoo I got on my left inside forarm, which is also my LJ Icon...
When I was around 7 or 8 years old I had a dream... not like any other dream, it felt real, the dream was that I sat up in my bed, which was a bunk bed, I slept on the top, and i looked down into my room and what I saw was not my room, but a construction site, I was inside of a structure being built, there were two men standing about 10 feet from me, one of them was wearing a suit and holding a briefcase, the other was wearing what I considered to be priests robes, he had a sash around his neck that hung down his chest, on one side of the sash was what is commonly known as the "Jesus fish" (note: at this time, I had never seen that symbol before, it wasn't nearly as popular as it is today) and on the other side was the symbol that is my tattoo. The priest looked anxious, he said "It's almost time."... and then I saw a great flash of light and I was sitting up in my bed wide awake, I got up right away and went and told my mother of the dream and she wrote it down.... sence then, anytime I have any kind of dream that is religiously prophetic, I had that tattoo on my arm in the very same place I have it tattoo'd now.
through out the last 13 years sence having that dream, I've had many dreams after that, none that have made such an impact on me as the first... also I get very strong feelings of DejaVu from time to time, nothing even that serious, I'll be sitting in a certain position with say my arm in a certain place, talking to a certain person about a certain thing, and alot of the time, I know whats going to come out of there mouths before they do, I don't even say anything, I do try to take advantage of the moment in any way I can, because it'll only be a fraction of time, like say a minute and a half or so... I did this with my mother a few months ago, I knew what she was going to say to me about a certain subject word for word and she asked how I knew what she was going to say, and I explained that I felt like we'd already had the conversation... and thats the feeling, more than just feeling familar, it's that I KNOW i've done it already, i've said it already, i've heard it spoken... friday night was a rough night, I woke up probably 20 times durring the night, at one point I woke up and I was awake enough to remember a part of a little dream in which I went into work the next day, got my schedual and it was complatly different than usual, not to mention that on next Saturday I'd be going in at 1:30 in the afternoon for my shift, and I'd have to catch press that night... (note that sence starting my schedual has been pretty much the same, and I've never gone in on a saturday at 1:30, it's always been 8:30, and I've never had to catch press on saturday) Well, I went in and got my schedual, and sure enough, it's complealty different than it usually is, right down to my having to be there next saturday at 1:30, and I'll end up catching press.... I told Eric about all this, sence Eric is a very open minded person, and honest too, I trust him with my life and any secrets I might have... and he said he experiences the same thing from time to time... so I did some research... and everything I read led me to talk to my mother about it... I laid everything out for her... and what she told me was what I had gathered through my research and seems posible to me.... the Bible says "In the end times, the young men will dream dreams, and the old men will see visions." or something to that effect, it might have been the women see visions, either way... going on to say that God instills the gift of prophecy into alot of people even if they arent saved yet, and these little things that i'm experiencing are part of that gift trying to sort of.... i guess the best way to explain it would be that it's getting my mind and spirit adjusted to each other.
I was reading a prophecy the other day that a guy had made public years ago, about sept. 11, as well as the recent Tsunami and south Asia.... it seems all the prophets agree that we're living in the end times, and Hal Lindsey, a minister and prophet who has been around preaching sence the 60s or 70s thinks that 2005 is the year the rapture will happen..... I don't think it will... not because I don't believe in the rapture, I DO believe in the rapture, but there's still so much that needs to happen acording to prophecy and the Bible... I get scared though, and even a little angry at times when I think about the people I know and love who arent saved, who don't even believe in God... who don't believe Jesus Christ was our lord and savior... because thats all it really takes... it's not living by 20 thousand rules that organised religion has come up with through the last 2000 years... It's about beliving, having faith in him, and just doing the best you can... I've asked the Lord so many times how he could just cast aside people who have never had an opportunity to really know Him, or feel anything that would lead them to Him... I want the people I love to be with God when I am... most of the people I know are athiests or follow another God... and I'm not mad at them, how could I be? but I do cry when I think of them not being with God when the rapture does happen... i'm pretty teary right now as a matter of fact... I need to pray more than I do.. and I don't mean just talking to God, I do that all the time... I mean building me prayer language, because yes, I'm one of those "freaks" who pray in tounges... don't know what I'm saying, but I do know it's more than jibberish, I say it before I think it... It's a genuine example of my spirit doing the talking and not my mind.... when I try to sit in my head and think about some of the things I pronounce, I can't.. yet, when I"m actually praying and verbalising it all, it flows....
I'm gonna end this now.... my whole day is already fucked up from over working my mind thinking about all this stuff.

Sat, 08 Jan 2005 11:49:47 GMT

i'm updating now just because i'm on auto-pilot and have nothing better to do... a co-worker Terrel, asked me yesterday "If you could have one lame ass super-power, what would it be".... and after thinking about it for a moment i came up with the ability to make myself look real buff and muscular, but not actually have any extra strength, and my super hero name would be The Puffer-Fish....
today is going to suck... i'm low on hours so i'm going to end up working all day instead of being sent home early like i usually am on saturdays... or fridays for that matter...
so I was bad last night and ordered some DVDs from Columbia House... it was a special deal for my member ship, so I bought Last Samari, Residant Evil Apocolypse, and Playboy's Women of Walmat... about a year ago Playboy did this campain where they got a bunch of Walmart employees to pose for an issue... so I got the DVD which has a bunch of extra stuff including the photoshots... arg... i hate auto-pilot... I need to run away.... if i disapear for a while... asume I went to PA.
and that stands.

Sat, 08 Jan 2005 01:07:35 GMT

arg... my head is going to explode.. I've got all this shit to fill out for work... my 401k plan, although that can wait a little while... sence it wont start until april... but i've gotta pick out a health plan, dental... I've still gotta get a proper ID badge for work... then there are the things I need, I need a car, I need a cellphone, I need a real place to live...
followed by lesser wants, a computer, ink, shit for my non-existant car.... those can wait though, naturally..
it's so odd, I have a good job, yet it's still a dead end job for the most part... but i'll probably end up working here for 50 years or so, and probably die with less than I started with... Oddly enough I can see my whole life ahead of me right now and I don't like any of it.. I'm in that in limbo moment where my dreams for life are about to die.. half of me is holding on to them, the other half is trying to toss them out... or rather, not really toss them out, but has just given up... and I wonder what the point of everything is... I wonder why I still play guitar, I wonder why I work out everyday... I wonder why I write... arg... enough of this

Fri, 07 Jan 2005 11:25:18 GMT

so, here it is, 0600 and i'm up, don't have to be to work until 9:30... and you bet your ass, i'm not walking into that place until then... see the other guys who are schedualed for press today like I am, will show up at 9... and sign in for 9 on the timesheets, but when i do it, i get reamed... so i'm not doing it anymore, it's too fucked up to argue over half an hour... hopefully today will be like a 12 hour day so that tomorrow i'll either get overtime or get sent home.. that'll be cool... either one is fine with me... fridays are generally pretty long too... so i might get lucky...
I've been trying to keep my mind off the whole sheila moving thing.... as Cassandra said, it'll probably be for the better if we're away from each other for a while, no matter what the outcome is.. who knows, maybe we'll both move on, or maybe i'll finnaly be ready, and it'll bring us back together like previous times we've been apart... i don't know.. I do know i'll be on the computer alot less sence i've been using hers and she's going to come get it when she's down to get her stuff... so I'll probably start writing more again... which also reminds me i need to get a move on burning my shit off of here and reformat it for her...
so, in other news... i've been trying to get down to Space Coast Credit Union, because i'm a News Journal employee, I can join... start a savings account, and then probably be able to get a loan on a decent car... either way... as pathetic as it sounds, I pre-ordered a MMORPG called Guild Wars and the beta testing weekend starts today, so i'm gonna get on there.

Thu, 06 Jan 2005 11:13:12 GMT

well a thought entered my mind this morning as i woke up... the thought was that sence sheila is moving to KY for a year, this is where I might actually lose her for good... at the posibility is entered my head.... yes before any of you comment, it's my own fault. and i'm not saying I want her to stay, it's better for her to leave, she'll be able to actually do something with herself in KY.... and I'm still not ready anyway... I've made alot of progress.. but i'm still not ready... arg... i'll finish this later, Todd is waiting to take me to work

Wed, 05 Jan 2005 21:46:06 GMT

and again... i think i've said too much

Mon, 03 Jan 2005 20:54:59 GMT

a little out dated, but it's something to do before i force myself to work out and take a shower....

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before? woke up next to two people whom i really cared about at the time... one of whom I don't care about anymore.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? i don't make any.. because I'd never keep them

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? yes actually... my friend Mike and his wife Cyd had a beautiful baby girl named Kylar

4. Did anyone close to you die? it depends if you count lying to work about someone close to you dying or not lol

5. What countries did you visit? well.. i did have to make that run to mexico....

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004? money

7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? ehh.. bad shit happened, good shit happened... i can't really keep track

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? well.. the number of people i slept with was drasticly decreased from recent years.... thats a good thing in my opinion

9. What was your biggest failure? oh lord... you think i can just pick out one?!?!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? yes... to the heart and mind

11. What was the best thing you bought? my Mostright model Univox... it's the only guitar i've been playing and I love it.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? fuck.... nobody that i can think of

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Bonnie's

14. Where did most of your money go? if i knew that, i wouldn't still be loosing money, but i guess mostly to food and cigarettes... saddly

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? there wasn't really anything in '04 to really get excited about.

16. What song will always remind you of 2004? songs don't really remind me of years.. they just remind me of time periods... so i guess the best answer I can give, sence not much changed throughout the year would have to be 3 Libras - A Perfect Circle

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? hard to say, I guess sence this time last year i was filled with a bunch of guilt, I'd say i'm happier
ii. thinner or fatter? ehh... i've got more muscle
iii. richer or poorer? richer, with a much better job

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? drugs or sex lol... maybe music

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? sitting at home

20. How will you be spending Christmas? i spent it with starwars and Jim Beam

22. Did you fall in love in 2004? yes, with my monkey... you know how long it took me to teach this monkey to suck my dick without peeling it first?.... and the monkey jacked me off with her feet the other night.. only a monkey can show you that kind of love and devotion.

23. How many one-night stands? i should keep my mouth shut about this...

24. What was your favorite TV program? Dead Like Me, Scrubs, Nip/Tuck, Full Metal Panic Fumufoo

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? hate would be too strong of a word... lets just say i'm disapointed in some people

26. What was the best book you read? Still Life With Woodpecker.. even though I had already read it years ago... it was the best book i read all year

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? well my own personal discovery was that I'm better than I thought I was, and am continuing to get better... but as for what band did i find that i didn't know about or didn't listen to before?... hmmm.. maybe The Black Eyed Peas or The Darkness

28. What did you want and get? something I wanted and got? hmmm... wow.. I've actually gotta think about this one... minus a job or sexual favors I guess I'd have to say closure on alot of problems.... the only problem with that is, once i got rid of those problems.. more popped up... so it was a catch 22

30. What was your favorite film of this year? Residant Evil Apocolypse

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? i turned 20... and I can't remember if that day sheila came over, or if she came over on another day for my birthday... but mostly i did nothing.

32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? money, my own place, a better car, joining the army, a sane woman, myself to be sane, i mean.. take your pick

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004? i'd have to say i tried to look a little nicer and less grungy last year

34. What kept you sane? a steady drug and alcohol regiment... and thats about it... but i still didn't stay too sane

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? hmmm... not sure, i don't usually get things for celebrities too ofent unless they really take my eye... i don't think there was one this year, although, in spiderman2 Kristen Dunst had her headlights on through the whole movie.. that was nice.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? uhhh... gee... . the war maybe?

37. Who did you miss? someone who isn't around anymore

38. Who was the best new person you met? hmmm... I'll have to say Mike's wife Cyd.. she's great.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004: I can't just sleep with random people anymore, because usually, they're fucking crazy.... that and getting the "House On Fire" sauce at WingHouse will make your ass burn when you have to shit the next couple days

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"Difficult not to feel a little bit disapointed and passed over, but I looked right through, see you naked but oblivious, and you don't see me."

Mon, 03 Jan 2005 10:43:19 GMT

comming home from jacksonville last night, (had the weekend off, so i went to mike's) his transmission blew... so i blew $60 to get his car towed here so Todd and I can work on it.. probably just Todd... I don't have time to fucking work on a car..
Ian is back....he wanted to start shit last night, I could have knocked him out... why doesn't he know not to start shit when I just paid $60 to tow a car that isn't even mine...
I should have set my alarm for 0530 instead of 0500... but i never know how i'm gonna move in the mornings, sometimes i need a whole hour now... but today i would have just much rather had the extra half hour to sleep....
oh yes... did I mention that new years sucked?
had an alright time in jacksonville though with Mike and Cyd... their relationship could use some work... I think mostly on Mike's side... but fuck... we were getting out of the car yesterday, I got Kelton out of the car and I was holding him when i realized that he was wet... and ya know "oh come on man, your piss is all over my arm now", had a laugh, i didn't really mind, it's not like I havn't pissed on myself in the past 2 years (don't ask).... so i made the joke "yeah, i gotta find the right kind of bitch to pop out 1 or 2 kids of mine"... Cyd says "I'm available", I said "uhh... You've got your hands full"... Mike goes "yeah fuck it man, you can have her"... I'm just thinking "woah, this is really fucked up"..... but then we all laughed about it and went in the house... it was all very scarry... but what is even more scarry, is when I go up there i realize how lucky mike is... his wife understands him more than he even knows... i know this from talking to her... she just gets him... and thats just so strange to me because women don't just get me.... I confuse them... and then I also realize how much I want a kid... I just can't support one right now... I should have moved up to Jacksonville and got a job up there so that I can help out with Mike's kids.. .cause he needs it... like he said yesterday "I'm a 20 year old kid trying to deal with having kids of my own, I'm pretty fucked up by all of this"... Mike has realized that he doens't like kids at all... i tried to comfort him the best I could, basically what I told him is that he may be hating all the shit he's going through now with raising these kids, but someday those kids are going to do something that will make him so utterly proud that he'll just raelize, even if it's subconsience that all the shit was worth it... he needs to grow up, and saddly right now he needs someone holding his hand almost... I can't really blame him.. I want a kid right now, but I'd probably be going through the same shit... although I wouldn't have gone out and spent money on a Dvd player for my car... knowing that next week the kids are going to need things... but okay... anyway... enough about him...
my dreams have been more and more fucked up lately... a few mights ago I had a dream that I beat the hell out of Bonnie, like really, beat the fucking shit out of her.. then I had a dream that sheila slept with Joel, and then I beat the hell out of her.... i don't know where these dreams are comming from that have so much violence... I mean... even if i got to that point that i was so mad that i'd lower myself to that level of hitting a woman, especially sheila or bonnie... it'd certainly not be beating the hell out of them, maybe a slap.... but it hasn't happened yet, and i doubt it ever will.. usually I opt to punch a wall or throw a guitar accross the room, something to that effect... the dreams are just almost shocking because they seemed so real when I was in them.... and the feeling I got while in the dreams was that I didn't want to be doing what I was... but at the same time I kind of enjoyed it... yeah.. real fuckered up...
then of course last night I had a dream that Bonnie got pregnant by some random guy and I ended up raising the kid just so it wouldn't be so fucked up.... a part of the dream went somehting like this
Me: what do you mean you don't have a car seat, how am I supposed to take this kid anywhere?!?!
Bonnie: oh I usually just ride with her in my lap.
Me: *slap* what the fuck is wrong with you bitch?
and another went
Me: how come there's no food in this house? no formula, you've got no diapers, whats going on?
Bonnie: Well, I didn't make any money dancing the last couple nights
Me: *Slap* you've got a kid now, stop being a stripper and get a real job, what the fuck is wrong with you bitch? *slap*
so yes, obviously there are alot of strange things running through my mind while i sleep... so yes, anyway, i need to find my hat because i left my Capt. Morgan hat at a resturant yesterday, which i'm pissed about, and do my other things in getting ready for work... thats enough of my insanity for now.

Sat, 01 Jan 2005 05:06:32 GMT

i'll say it again, fuck new years and every other bloody holiday, i wish I would have drank more to get alcohol poisoning... more later

Fri, 31 Dec 2004 02:22:51 GMT

It's almost as if I want bad things to happen to me... I'm at the point where I don't want anything good.. ya know, when you get to that point where you're so mad at something you just say "fuck it, just give it to me, up the ass"... thats where I am... it seems as though my mind has been trying to find a reason to just pull the trigger lately.. fucking holidays... fucking... everything.... why? I don't know why, I have no clue.... I mean, it acutally seems like I'm on some kind of right track to getting my life together... meaning that I have a good job.... thats pretty much it... my personal life is in shit... it's a fucking shit volcano is what it is.. I never see anybody... I'm not playing music with anybody, hell, i've been so depressed lately I havn't even been practicing, or even working out... of course thats partially because i'm usually so fucking worn out from work... I guess I'm going to try to make my work out day just be on my days off, whatever, anyway... currently I'm upset because Joel went to KY to spend new years with Sheila.. and why am I upset over it? hell if I know... I just am... I'm too protective and jelous.. I try to not be like that, but then it seems that fucks things up worse... either way, i'm so fucking frustrated with everything I'm having trouble typing... this just isn't worth it... i'm done for the night.